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Reflections

OMG I started this before Christmas of 2016! Lost the whole blog so redoing!

Here I am! Been home most days, winter started early. Here I am with 5″ of snow in a small rural town! Thankfully I bought myself some new chains last year because I traveled to Coeur d’Lene to visit with family at Christmas! So I met my challenge of learning to put them on thankfully it was the “end of my in-between times for my treatments” so I could put the chains on and clean off the snow plus shovel! Wow didn’t expect this! Thought to myself “kinda reminds me” of living in the Rockies which I just moved away from for that very reason.  Hold on then Dufur had another artic storm pass through so now a week later the town has 13 inches and very cold!! Oh well the unexpected always happens! This week received another snowfall! GEES!!

Sometimes I have a good memory so let’s hope I can rewrite this! It is now the New Year of 2017! Sometimes people live in the past and sometimes people live in the future. In Alanon and AA have a saying for people who think that way, “they p*** on the day”. I’ve learned that very well so I use my past for just Reflection so I don’t repeat my mistakes, bad choices, and correct my defects of character. Also to see where I was and where and who I am now! Good perspective!

What a life saving program Alanon was to me. I found it in Seeley Lake, MT when my husband moved our family there in 1988. The insanity of Alcoholism was taking over our lives. I didn’t know what it was at the time. My husband wanted to start over and change our lives for the better. So I did start to go to Alanon. What a gift to me. I was actually putting all my knowledge of God’s word into my life with the 12 steps. Instead of trying to fix my husband, I focused on me. I was challenged to take a good look at myself. It wasn’t pretty. I hadn’t really made that 180 degree change. I was still making bad choices in my life. Still sitting on that ole worn wooden fence and getting slivers in my butt because I wanted both world’s. I had to choose to turn my whole life around and surrender it all to my God. I had tried before but I just didn’t know how. In Alanon I found the tools to do so! What a great group of people struggling like me and finding answers and solving problems . They challenged me and made me accountable to the choices I made for me and my family!

One turning point was a wintery night! The circumstances was I was chasing a fleshly desire that would harm me and my family. And it had already been a conflict in my life. Now I needed to decide to keep going in that direction and have major consequences or…  It was a wintery cold snowy night. The roads were horrifying. I was in a vehicle that was old and the road snow packed. I am trying to catch up to something that may not be there. Is it going to solve my problems and my desires. I finally said, “This is so dangerous. What am I doing and why? What is the point of this! This is crazy!” I am so glad God was talking to me and I was listening! So glad for the program giving me the tools to make a wise decision, a group that loved me unconditionally and made me accountable.

I learned to solve problems. I learned why I did the insane things I did! Such an eye opener. I’ve learned to make decisions on facts and what is best for me. I learned to forgive and not hold grudges. I can plan but some unexpected things happen and you have to take another route. I love the Serenity Prayer and the saying Let Go and Let God. I have learned to pray much, wait patiently, trust and have a lot of Faith. My God’s word is in my heart and when He speaks to me I listen and trust Him for the answers. They are not what I expect sometimes. So I have to step out in Faith!

There is so much of life that is unexpected! A Doris Day song Que Sera Sera comes to mind. I have only today. I do the best I can with what the day brings. There are days I sulk, am angry, sometimes blah! Most days are filled with good things. I am so grateful for the choices I have made. The program of Alanon has put my faith into action whether it be with family, friends, where I live, and just in everyday decisions I have to make. I am not as judgemental. It is hard! I hate it when people don’t listen to me. Things I can’t control I put in God’s hands.

Reflections
Reflections

The last 29 years have been filled with decisions and events I reflect on but I don’t live in them. They make up whom I am. I don’t understand everything but I need to keep moving foreward. Life is too short. Here I am in a new place with new friends and getting reacquainted with friends of my childhood! This year has brought some real trials. Lost my second tenants in my home in Seeley Lake. I had to move. I found my birth Mother and family. I driven distance that I hadn’t done on my own. I live by myself and pay all my bills with what I earn. I sold my home in Seeley Lake. I have had to have surgery for cancer and found out that didn’t get it all! So now I must have chemo 6 times. My  hours were cut at my job. So then I had to go on unemployment and look for work. Wow! Every turn there were answers, support, hope, faith and most of all Love. God showed me He was in control.

There were so many Blessings and much Thankfulness. Family gatherings, seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. My children’s Love to me and the times we have had together. Getting to know family and friends again. The home I live in is the perfect place for me and my dogs, except the roads are horrid this winter, but there is a blessing in that also. I love the countryside and the new views I have in life as I travel. Awesome!

There is a  season for all things and people! The unexpected happens! Circumstances are sometimes out of our control. It is hard but I keep going with a good attitude and look at the passage time which has taught me how to live and not the need to know the whys. Sometimes I have to stop and rest and be contented until the time is right. Find solutions that are healthy. Sometimes we are known to take two steps back and one step forward. So don’t be afraid. Reflect and see where you have come from and where you are! Checks and Balances! and always Edify yourself and others. Life has its good and bad in seconds to a whole day! It’s what you do with it that counts! Count your Blessings and Pay it forward!

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Until the next time my friends! So my journey keeps going! I really enjoy sharing it with you! Leave me a word and if you want share!

 

 

 

 

An Inner Note of Memories

February 1, 2020,

My younger brother Mike, born Kit Laverne Current, on this day. He passed in October 2014. He would of been 66 today! We would of been 66,67,68 years old this year! I always remember this little tid bit! Then when my older brother, born Allen Wade Current, turns 69 on July 1, 2020 it changes.  What a wonder, the God has taken care of us as our Mother Dolla Converse Weaver lost her children to a wicked man, our Dad! I hope he turned his life over to Jesus before he passed! But my mother Dolla must of longed for us! Looked for us for 60 years or more. Plus knew the power of prayer because I found her in 2015. God is merciful and gracious! He gave us a big gift and her a huge gift that we found each other before she went home to Jesus in 2017.  God is so amazing! These verses in Ephesians 1:11-12 says it all!

Ephesians 1:11-12 The Message (MSG)

11-12 It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

In Christ is who we are and He knew all of my journey before I was even born-He found me and I chose Him when He revealed Himself to me! I surrendered my all to Him. He has guided and taught me all about Himself In and through His Word, The Bible! I sought Him and He showed me how to live walking in His Son’s ways not my way! He lead me to His Saving Grace, Jesus Christ! He made me whole and now I know my purpose in each season of my life. He had a perfect plan and purpose for me. He gave me my Journey! He Delivers and kept all His promises to me and my Mom Dolla. Blessed my parents with children! God knew what kind of parents we needed. They needed us and we needed us to give them unconditional Love and be a family! He works out everything and everyone to give Him Honor and Glory for all the Great things He has done! Fabulous, Fantastic, He puts the puzzle together into a beautiful painting of my journey that praises and honors Him for all He has done! I hope I bring Glory to your Name Lord and Touch the lives of those around me! Those who are lost and off the track of their lives! I hope as I am running this race I am planting the seeds of the Gospel! Then you do the rest almighty God! I hope I will be commended for the work I have done for you Lord! You have taught through your Word how to live life to be happy, strong, sensitive, passionate, forgiving! The desires of the flesh, are dwindling and my soul is strong in your Holy Spirit not my will but yours.

Psalm 37:4 New King James Version (NKJV)

Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

My heart grieves again for the loss of Mom Dolla husband Jim Weaver! He truly was a wonderful man! He gave my Mom so much Love! When I met him, he gave me a love as his daughter! My brother and I and my husband Bobby so enjoyed our visits these last few years! They were just full of love, friendship, laughter and weeping together! God through Dolla gifted me with more family! I have a sister-in-law, neices, nephews, cousins. My aunt Donna and her husband Bob. Another aunt who lives in Great Falls named Aunt Bonnie! It gets big!
Just wanted to share this amazing God Happening of my life! Sometimes you wonder if life is going to get better after many sad relationships, health problems and death unexpectedly! God always kept me near to Him! He has Blessed me so! When I thought I wasn’t loved or cared about, He showed me He did! I know Love now more bigger then I ever thought their could be for me! Life just keeps getting better and better!
Pray and Let God move the mountains! I just need to do my part and lean into Him for Wisdom, Forgiveness, Power and Love to live this journey in His name and not in my own! Freedom and Contentment! Oh My!

CHANGES

 

It has been awhile since I was able to blog! I have a new life now! God has made many changes in my life in the last year! In fact 180 degree changes! Those changes are from being healed from cancer, death of parents, my Dad and my birth Mom, Dolla Converse Weaver and others whom I loved very much, able to go back to work at a new job, to reconnecting with a friend, classmate and neighbor from my childhood to getting married, moving and having a home! My hearts desires! I am settled!  Joshua 1:9 says “…be strong and of  good courage, do not be afraid nor dismayed for the Lord God is with you wherever you go”!  Boy do I hang on to that promise especially after stepping out in faith with no job or home when I decided to move in 2015 from Montana where I lived 27 years to Oregon! I mean I had a general plan but not real details. God provided a home and a job in a few weeks time. He also provided many other factors so I could be at peace to move, knowing that there was going to be opposition to this move. He prepared me as He always does.  I trusted and obeyed!

 

So my year of 2017 began with the healing of my cancer. Then I struggled for a new purpose in life. Trying to find the right plan in this season of my life. Once again He healed me of cancer! So I once again was a testimony of God’s deliverance to live on this earth for a few more years before He takes me Home. So I began refreshing myself by renewing my mind! Where was He leading me through the Holy Spirit. So I went back to my 12 step program of Al anon. They are the tools He gave me to keep me in His steadfast Love and purpose in my Life. They helped me to make choices lined up with God’s Word. They also helped me to look at myself! Taking inventory of who I am in Christ. Also make sure I am on the path God has for me! This is where I go when I feel I am treading water and not being patient enough and waiting for God, for He has the right time and place for me in His will. He is always preparing me for His purpose on this Journey of mine!

A thought He gave me from one of my readings.  The Tree of Life never goes dormant! Thank you Jesus! All because of you I can be alive all the time! I can be refreshed by meditating on you day and night because of the promises you made to me! Psalm 1: 2-3… “But whose delight in the law of the Lord and who meditates on His law day and night that person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither-whatever they do prospers.” My Faith is always growing because He gives me the power and courage to change! It may seem that I am standing still in my life but I am not.  My roots are planted in the Living Water. This Living Water is always flowing, giving all I need no matter what my life experiences or touches! This is ole world can never give me what I need or make me promises or know the desires of my heart! I could never ask the world to provide for me what the Living Water is able! I could never have a personal relationship with the world. Living Water gives me all I need to live in this world. He gives me power! He gives me armor! He gives me Peace! He gives me Courage! He gives me Love and teaches me how to Love myself and others. Matthew 22: 37-40! I sometimes rumble over my fleshly desires but in the end, I count on God! I have made my own choices without Him, boy, it’s not fun! Casting Crowns has song called “Who I am”! Spoke to me many times over the last 65 years of my life!

 

He gives me my Faith which expands so that I can Trust and Hope! He gives me Grace and Forgiveness so I don’t have to carry around my pain and passed history that hurts, or made me ashamed. The Living Water gives His Word to live by so I can bear fruit in His name for His Kingdom to come that is eternal! OMG there is so much to say about the life I live that is all because of Him. He is always gives me purpose and has a plan for me! He is the Light in my Darkness when I don’t understand! So He gives me Wisdom that brings about Knowledge to know I am walking the path He has chosen for me and how to stay on that path no matter the circumstances in my life. Even when I am not obedient or make a bad choice He is always there! He never lets me go!

Continue reading CHANGES

Remember When

Haven’t been blogging these few months. I really don’t like sitting at the computer but today I decided not to procrastinate any longer! So thinking of my childhood and getting in touch with my foster sisters, losing my Dad and some other family members and friends who have touched my life, I decided I better do this. My birth Mom whom I found just last year is in hospice care at assisted living home. It has been tough year for me, infact the last few years have been very eventful! My goodness! It is overwhelming at times. God and His Son has been my life line through it all.

A few blogs back I mentioned that I and my brothers were in foster care which would have been in the fifties and early 60’s. So I am going to revisit some of my memories I had in those days. Thankfully I now have some photos of those days. Thanks to my foster Mom, foster sisters and my endearing birth Mom Dolla.

I remember the home I lived in which was huge with four bedrooms and two baths. My foster Mom was a homemaker! Which she did very well. My foster Dad worked at a sawmill in Silverton, Oregon. My foster Mom had her folks down the road from us. They also had land for two horses, berries and walnuts. They were England born. They talked with a british accent.

I remember Grandma wiping me with her hanky. To make it wet she used her saliva! Who does that now a days! My foster parents drove a black car which smelled of leather and straw, maybe. My foster parents home was just like photos of the early 50’s. The furnishings and all. We even had TV! Had a wringer washer. Hung clothes out on the line. Had a big yard with trees. Had a small barn with turkeys, white feathered chickens, some banty chics. Harvesting these birds wasn’t pleasant. I won’t go into details but I do remember white feathered bodies bouncing around the back yard, steaming them and plucking feathers. So glad that is not one of my chores now.

I had two older foster brothers at this home. I don’t remember them having a bond with them. It could be I just don’t remember that part of them in my life. But I do remember having my dolls! They were my friends. I had high chair and basket stroller for them. I treated just like real babies with real feelings. They gave me great comfort.

I don’t really remember having too many friends. I do remember staying at friends overnight. School, no recollection of it except I like the monkey bars. I was able to wrap my leg over the bar and go around and around. I could even do it with both legs. I always was entertained by my sibling brothers. They were always up to something. Allen the oldest had an air gun which he proceeded to make my youngest brother Mike (Kit) and I targets. Then we had red pedal car that we were always arguing about who gets to drive.

I remember going to the creek nearby and catching crawdads. Many times I wouldn’t get into the water cuz of them. The creek was cool and refreshing to play in. As I mentioned foster parents had two ponies, one Shetland and Pinto. Both Mike and I loved to ride bare back mostly around the orchard at grandparents. I remember picking the berries there also. Walking down the basement stairs of their home after the harvest of walnuts and smelling them, plus cracking and eating as many as we wanted. I loved them with salt. I also liked my silver roller skates. I had the most perfect sidewalk to skate on but oh did I take some falls. My bottom got a beaten some days.

I remember family dinners at the kitchen table in the kitchen. My foster Mom loved to make us boiled eggs and set them in egg holder to eat. It was so fancy. Now the egg holders are just collector items. Another favorite was soldiers and warm chocolate milk. The soldiers were buttered toast cut in 4’s in length. Then you would dip them in the milk. Oh my that was so yummy. Another one was taking cheese squashing it with a fork and then putting vinegar on it! I’m not sure why!! My chore, I remember, was drying the dishes. I probably had others but that’s the only one I can remember.

When I was in trouble which wasn’t a lot, I remember I had to pick out my willow stick. Ouch! Sometimes it was sitting on the back porch in the dark. I had a great scary imagination. No wonder I was so scared of the dark. We also had a scary neighbor next to us that stories were told about so…. Another scary thing was the saying “Never take candy from a stranger”! OMG, I was walking home or to somewhere. I would always be watching for strangers in cars. I always thought there were “boogy” men under my bed. I would scratching noises inside the walls. There was some nights I would shut my door and put the high chair against so no one could enter.

I remember riding in the black car with Granny as I called her to visit friends or family. We would also go for drives in the mountains or to the beach. In those days one didn’t have to use sit belts. So for fun we would kneel and put our heads down in the sit. This way when we went around a turn, we would come unbalanced and fall on each other. In those days they didn’t have many rest stops. So my foster Mom would keep a can in the car so we could go potty! Must have been the English culture in her to have that idea. So funny when I think of it now.

I did watch Captain Kangaroo! Little Lamb with Sheri! I liked My Friend Flicka, Lassie, Lone Ranger, Sky King, Fury, Walt Disney shows and movies, Roy Rogers,  and Dale Evans. I could think of more I guess. I didn’t like wearing jeans. I was especially fond of dressing up in dresses and black patent shoes with white socks. I really must not of liked anyone messing with my hair as I got older! As by many photos it seems I liked to do my own pin curls as they called them. My hair was such a mess. Holy cats! My parents let me go to school like that and even have school photos. Goodness. I must have been really stubborn! I did finally learn how to manage my hair.

I remember my Moms wearing aprons. My Mom used to can corn and fruit. We would do it together. I remember meals together as a family whether it would be breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom was there preparing it.

I remember my foster homes. Most of them were very nice. I remember that there were other children in the home. The one foster home my brother Allen lived in was not so nice. I used to go visit him. It was a large farm with animals and vegetables. I remember the dairy cows and the calves would come and suck on your fingers. Those people were not very nice to their foster children. All they wanted them for is to work the farm. So I was very thankful I didn’t have to live there but I felt bad for Allen who did!

The first foster home family used to take us on trips in their black car. We would go to the ocean or to the forest. Probably Mount Bachelor for day picnics. Mom would always carry a can so we could go potty in it, instead of squatting. Plus their wasn’t any visitor stations in those days. The closest bathroom was usually a restaurant or gas station when you were traveling. I believe the third foster home we had been in Portland. They also were travelers and liked to go on day trips. I remember, my foster Dad would put me on his lap and so I could pretend to drive as he was driving down the road.

The third foster home was in a nice neighborhood. It was a Tudor home, made of brick and had a chimney. Had a nice drive way so my younger foster-sister and I could ride bikes. I was supposed to teach her a bit as to how to ride a bike! I was kind of mean, just pushed her and made her fall down. I had four sisters at this home. Three were grown! The second to the youngest Janice was getting married. So I got to be in her wedding. I remember the first time I wore nail polish. I got light-headed from the smell.

It was also the year I was in third grade, I remember I had to have my tonsils out. I was allowed to have jello or ice cream to sooth my throat. In the summer time, the best thing to do was to make mud pies. We would get old dishes. Make some mud and put it in the dish. Let it cook in the sun then decorate it with flowers. Probably foster Mom’s roses. What child does that these days. I don’t know of any! Not even my grand girls. As a child I remember the most expensive in my eyes for a present was tea sets with cups, saucers and teapot. Boy that was my favorite thing was to have tea parties with my friends and my dolls. I used lifesavers to flavor the water.

When I was finally adopted, I had true secure, loving family. I had real Mom and Dad! I’m sure I was a handful at times but most of the time I was pretty easy-going. I learned to have friends. I went to church. I could run free in my little town. I remember hot summer days playing with my friends. Cold winters sharing a snow hill with my neighbors and friends. Halloween parties with a horse drawn wagon full of straw going the back roads to a scary movie. Meeting my friends a a local movie house or to a dance. Being part of the activities at my school and church.  Summer school being taught by nuns. Those connections were priceless. Like my friends riding bicycles. We learned how to make most of it riding up and down the hills to get to a friend’s home. My friend and I walked the rail tracks, picked bachelor buttons and yellow poppies, looking inside old homes. We also had good times at the river or swimming in backyard pools. We enjoyed flirting with the boys. Playing post office with them. That got us into trouble! We use to sneak out at night and kiss the boys also. Sure there was growing pains, being disobedient but not mean and hateful. Yes we did unkind things to people but then regretted it. We were a community that had its difference and diversity but when there was a fire, a hardship or a joyous occasion, we shared it together. Respected each other but pointed out the wrong but cared enough to help one another or be polite. It was good and wholesome. I cherish that part of my childhood! I keep that part of me in my life. Brings me happiness! Those ” Remembrances” I keep in my heart! That’s who I am!

Well I’m back to finish this blog! It has gone on and on! In my life remembering how I lived as a child takes me back to a time when I had to depend on others for my safety and well-being! Though I was in foster care until I was 10 years old the way and after I was adopted, my childhood made me appreciate the simpler things in life. I really don’t care for the fast paced life! I like to feel secure, loved and having hope! I don’t need a big house with big payments, “keeping up with the Joneses” attitude. My dreams are simple of enjoying my family, friends and events! I like working and being part of a team and earning my own money. I just always prayed for to be secure and be prepared for the happenings in my life. I’ve learned that my Dreams are God’s Dreams for me. That is my perspective. He tells me He prepares for every event or “God Happening” in my life! I don’t ask “why me” or just “why” anymore because it isn’t the answer I need to know. It is “What can I do”! Prayer is the most powerful and walking in Christ’s ways! Trying to be obedient when He calls me to do something! That’s my hardest part! I’m such a prognosticator or tell myself I’m not good enough! I hate turmoil and being powerless but I know that my God is in Control. That I only have to do my part whether in my community or with personal relationships! I can’t solve all the problems but my own.  I can vent and I can be a Light to others as they are to me. I remember a simpler life as a child! But as a child there was a lot of evil things going on but I knew the blessings of hope for the future! That there were better days ahead. Where is that Hope today! I still have my Hope and my Prayers to my God. He is the One who keeps His Promises, who gives me Peace, Security and Comfort.

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Mark 10:14
When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Happenings

032So many God happenings and life happenings in the last few months. What has it revealed about myself, relationships with family and friends. Endings and new beginnings. I just my God holds me every moment through His Son Jesus who is my life line to have Love, Hope, Joy and Faith to keep going on. It has been quite revealing on how I deal with every situation that has come up. What types of choices I make that will give me a sense of purpose. Where is He leading and guiding me! I know He prepares me for everything. But am I willing to do some of the foot work to accomplish the life He wants me to have. It seems I only have so much to give and am struggling to have a passion that keeps me moving in the direction He wants me to go.

There are some days that are just empty of fulfillment. But yet I am grateful for the day. My treatments are done. They were done the first of February. I was low in iron and platelets. I just had no energy or stamina to accomplish anything. So I did finally get a blood transfusion. That helped a lot. I felt some depression coming on so I did decide to schedule my days with flexible everyday activities. This helped a lot instead of just floating and drifting along. When I worked and took care of my husband or family, I felt I was doing God’s work. What He purposed me for at the time.  Having other activities within my community encouraged me to build relationships and care for others. It kept me in touch with others and not be about only me. These days that is all I have is me and my dogs.

Nothing seemed to interest me. The weather was horrible. I felt sick most of the winter. What I looked forward to was going to church and touching bases with friends when I could. I also hunted for work. I kept myself in God’s Word and Prayers but not as often as I should. Now that it is Spring, I can get out and about, plan more things to do. I finally was able to go back to a Bible Study, take a trip to Montana and more foot work on nabbing a job just fit for me.

In the last few weeks relationships have been a struggle. Sharing thoughts and feelings with family have been encouraging and discouraging. Some have made me doubt my Faith which should never been and issue. Others telling me if I planned my life better…  OMG really. I know that I can plan so much of my life but life happens. There are the unexpected events or even the wrong choice. But I am very careful with my choices. I truly pray for God to lead and guide. He gives me the knowledge and the Faith to do the things I need to do. He always prepares and makes me able to know that all will be well. I know that I am in His will so His Will will be done no matter what I choose. His dreams for me are the dreams I have for myself. These Happenings are His. I will just keep going forward. I won’t beat myself or have anyone else beat me up for the choices I make. I realize that He does put people in my life to direct me or encourage me. Yes and be realistic. I know God has the right job for me and it will come. Or He may even want me to leave here. If He does He will tell me and I will know for sure. Just like moving from Montana to Oregon, I had peace all would be well even though there were bumps in the road. Trusting in Him is all I can do. He will give me purpose at the right time and place.

I still have some of the effects of my chemo. My feet have neuropathy in them. So bother me a bit especially standing in one place. My hair is coming back very slowly. I still have some glitches with my thought processes, plus writing ability. I can’t learn to multitask as easily as I once did. I did find work in an office. My boss who was a friend and a friend in Christ just felt that I wasn’t able to function in the office setting that I need to be more in the public serving others. I was too isolated. It was a good learning setting for me and her. I wasn’t able then to get my hours back at the mini mart because I took this job. They are calling me though to fill in.

I finally started to go in the direction of my mission to sing publicly at facilities for the elderly and disabled. So I started vocal lessons. I felt that was a good start to develop my voice and get some support. I looked into how to set up this mission with electronic devices. So have a few options. It will help me to explore how I can build my songs and music to accomplish this mission. I told my Dad about it and he just laughed and said, “Oh you want to be entertainer”! Really hurt my feelings. He is not my best supporter.

I am back to ushering and also signed up to help with worship service. It will give me confidence and teach me more about singing publicly. I will have a group of supporters in that area. They will teach me and correct me in a loving way. So I am excited about that. I just feel I am in the right place that I need to be patient with myself.

Then the next happening was my Dad who has been sick since the first of the year was put into the hospital. His doctor has been having him have many tests. Well Friday the day I left for my trip to Montana he was sent into the hospital. He had a transfusions of blood and a cat scan. So when I returned home I went to the hospital. He was sitting up in a chair with Mom next to him and asked him how he was. He answered “well I am still here”. I said ‘that is good because we would miss you”! Mom said it wasn’t good. So I asked Dad what was going on. He said that he had prostate cancer that went to the bone. I said, “I love you Dad” and patted his hand. He said he loved me also. Because before I left there was an angry explosion of feelings towards me. So I did write and told them how I felt. These two are not much on sharing feelings. I have had a hard time sharing my feelings with them. I am sure that they didn’t understand how I felt and my Dad will never apologize. But that is how he is. I just Love him for who he is but will share how I feel whether by letters or words spoken.

My trip to Montana for Easter was good! All of my visits were short but good. It was great to hug and share stories. I didn’t get to see everyone. I even got to see my granddaughters in Great Falls. My brother’s daughter and her children were at his home for the Easter dinner. I  celebrated with my friends on Easter Sunday. Truly wonderful. My God validates me and Loves me through all these people. I had lunch with my best friend. Who has been there for me through all these years. Have new memories that will never be forgotten. God has Blessed with many friends. They have been an inspiration to me. Have made my life so beautiful. The friends and family I have in Montana have truly been there for me. They are the people the Lord has surrounded me with to make my life complete. Who have nourished me. They have touched my life and I hope I have touched theirs. My family and friends here in Oregon have been the same to me. I am able to be close by and to reconnect with them. God knows what pleases me and He shows it to me everyday even though there are life happenings all around me that complicate my life, confuse me, make me sad and overwhelmed at times. He is always there to show me the way. Whether I cry out to Him, Rejoice in Him or am angry with people and events, He is there with His Words to give me strength and courage. The Love and patience to keep on going.

1 Peter 1: 1-9

…”What a passage this is-  “8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

LIMBO

img_0687The “Limbos” of my Life,  are places in my life where I stop on my path because of something unseen happens and/or out of my control and I call it “treading water” and I wait!  In my case at this time, I am at the end of my treatments for cervical cancer. I am so thankful for that! I have relied on my God and Faith to get me through. Soon I will be able to get back to moving in the direction I need to go. When I stopped and treaded water and still am  I had to deal with my treatments that caused me to  be out of work and sick. It seems my purpose is on the back burner! Now I have to look for work or wait to be called back to work.  I have to deal with staying home more than I ever had. One would think “oh I am going to get so many things done since I am not working”. I still am not feeling very well which slows me down. Also the winter weather has deterred me in getting out. I just feel like I am treading water just waiting. How do I feel about treading water, trying to keep my head up to find hope and moving forward in my life. It’s tough for sure. I have had many times like these but I am not so good at these times. I feel like I am wasting my time which I do but I really don’t have to. There are so many things I could be doing!  I feel like I have no control of this limbo but just to wait. Well waiting doesn’t give me an excuse not to be productive and accomplish goals in things that matter and need to be done.

There are days that bring about different moods or state of mind like depression, motivation, being productive, sick and tired, progressing, hopeful, and “I don’t care”! I keep dreaming but then I feel like my dreams are too far off. I try to fill my days with value. At times it is very hard though. I reach out to friends and family which I enjoy immensely but I can’t do that every day. Then there are days I really choose to be by myself and do things on my own. Some days I have too many excuses or just plain don’t want to and I should! I have a list a mile long as they say but I can always say “not today”! When I am working I make a schedule of the day or week so I can have a plan of action. I just can’t seem to do that right now. So maybe I should make a plan each day and have a routine like I was going to work or planning a trip or an event.

So maybe I will take that challenge! Get up each day like I am going to work at 10am. Read my Bible and Pray every morning and night. Do some housework, have a project, and apply for work with applications or resumes every day. Start reading a book and doing some exercises! Watching less TV. Planning better dinners. I could accomplish so much. My mood would be so much better. I have to quit talking myself out of doing the right thing. I have a plan now. Let me see if I can follow through. Then I will be able to stop treading water and waiting but start swimming to shore!

I have the choice to make my life whatever I want it to be. My dreams are my Lord’s dreams for me. He has given me this time, I need to take advantage of it and do my best to follow His lead.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change.

The courage to change the things I can and

The Wisdom to know the difference.

I will have rest but also be motivated in this “Limbo” of mine to bring about a newness in my Life. I don’t want to quit dreaming that is for sure. There are so many possibilities.

 

 

Limbo

So I have had some glum days because of my health, not working and the weather. I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer and grade 3! This was after surgery in September. Total shock because the out come after the total hysterectomy, was supposed to be cleared and go back to work. Now the treatment is to be 6 chemo treatments every 3 weeks. So will not be working my part-time job because the company hired others to take over my hours. So I ended at the bottom of the totem pole. So I have worked maybe 5 days since October. Thankfully I filed for unemployment, even though I’m not laid off just my hours are cut, an understatement!! Thankfully again my property sold so I could pay off debts and have minimum payments which my unemployment covers. Then with my treatments I am sick for 5 or so days depending on the effects of the treatments. Then here comes the snow which is unusual for this area. Snow has been on the ground for more than 40 days. This part of the state of Oregon does sand their roads but not like Montana. So it has been hard to get around! I am not a person who likes to be trapped inside plus not being able to feel good at times.

January 18, 2017 in my journal I write.

I haven’t been here in a while (my journal). I have been in a place these last 16 weeks where I have no ambition or energy to start or complete anything. Though I have been on top of trying to find work. So have learned how to write better resumes and send them off. Then in a couple of days I get a formed letter stating I am not in the running as a candidate. I started a prayer shawl for a friend, haven’t even finished it but have a good start on it these last few days. I am just not motivated to do anything. It is so easy to turn on the T.V.. But even that is not what I want to do. Haven’t finished any good books. I get behind on many things. Then there are days which I can get away and enjoy the day. I feel guilty because I haven’t done some things which I will regret because when I get back to work, I won’t have the time. When I want to be out and about the weather, my health or my outlook holds me back.

I don’t want these walls to be my prison, I want my home to be my sanctuary from the world. My home is my castle where I seek to bind my wounds, my comfort zone, a welcoming place for friends and family. It needs to be a place of refuge, peace, recuperation, privacy and place that takes cares of my needs. Not a place where I am trapped by my circumstances at this time. 18 weeks is a long time to waste! I call it Limbo! Hanging out until the circumstances I am in have no power over me anymore. Limbo is a place where I am powerless. I can’t seem to move forward with plans! I can plan all I want but if my health, weather, and people get in the way, the plans are gone until another day. I have had to hang on to my Faith through this time or I would be an old sour puss! I know He has taken care of me and provided in so many ways! I am so Thankful. He doesn’t get upset with me when I complain, thank goodness! He is leading and guiding me and showing me who I am in this difficult, challenging time in my life. Even though I feel like I am treading water, there are little and big “God Happenings” in every detail of my life. I need to believe in this time and purpose in my life. My God is preparing me for the times ahead. I may not always feel the journey is moving on but sometimes God gives you those just to lean on Him. A girlfriend told me the other day that one doesn’t have to wait for a personal relationship with Jesus! It happens each day moment to moment. I get to lean on Him! I don’t need to know the beginning to the end but everything in between I can be with Him.

I have hope that after my last treatment that I will be ready for the new beginnings of my life. My dreams are to have a good paying job that incorporates all the skills, and personality I have! I have a dream to sing and share my story with others. I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want to be able to go camping and explore my world and new places. It is going to be so AWESOME. I don’t have to plan each detail out! I just have to follow my heart because my heart reveals to me what God has planned for me! He has given me my purpose. That my fruitfulness will be touching lives and sharing my faith in what God has done for me so that others will have that experience! That they don’t have to wait to go to heaven, He will give them their personal touch in this life also.

Poignant phrase from Genesis 2:7 GOD MADE MAN A MIXTURE OF DUST AND DEITY!

Yes we wrestle with walking with Him or our own fleshly desires! I can walk in the Deity of God or I can choose to walk in my Dust that can be blown around with the wind. I would not have any foundation, nothing to stand on! But I choose to stand on the promises of His Word! Yes it is hard at times because of the circumstances of my live. Faith is looking up out of the circumstances I am powerless over and know God is in control and holding on to me.

 

Treatments

The couple of months have been quite not what I expected. My certainty has been challenged for sure. Do I like it “NO”! I was hoping to have some money in savings and be able to visit my son in Hawaii. Wow the best laid plans!! At least my outcome with this cancer discovery has not gone anywhere else but you never know. So the treatments are to kill what we can’t see with all our technology but research says the treatments are very good. This is my second bout with cancer. I had colorectal cancer in 2004 and my late husband was my main support. My family and I were estranged! So they didn’t come around much. But I knew they were rallying for me!

Alone now my children and family have stepped up to the plate. A few obstacles needed to be tackled because my job hours have been cut back. Didn’t expect! So now I have to look for work even though I am not laid off. God always seems to give me challenges. He knows how much I don’t like this part! It takes me out of my comfort zone. It keeps me from doing things I want to do or just have fun!

Another obstacle is being able to pay the bills. So I have had to put out a notice that I need money to get me through. My parents are more than willing but I hate asking so it is very humbling to have to ask for help financially. Thankfully I had insurance plus was able to qualify for financial assistance. Very grateful there is no medical indebtedness. Plus I qualified for unemployment so that has been a relief also. But I want to be financially solvent not ask for help!! I want to be able to help others.  So hopefully by the first of the year I will have a job that fits into my treatment schedule and after, so I am able to start saving some monies. My Hawaii trip is canceled anyway because my son is coming home the first of the year. Dang!

My life looked pretty bare just like the fall turning into winter. God is so gracious and loving to me that He has filled my life with family and good friends. And my relationships are my strength through their ever-loving prayers and encouraging prayers. My daughter has been a huge support and has made sacrifices by being here when I need her. She has helped with paper work and sifting through all the details so everything is covered. My young men have offered to come and stay with me. What a joy to be offered their help. My middle will be able to come this next time with his girlfriend. Another friend lined up some meals. Another friend is going to drive me to and from my appointment for my 3rd treatment. So I have to look for the good side of this part of the journey. The time has drawn my family closer together. There has been so much healing in our family since the last time. It truly is AWESOME!!

I have much to complain about and I do but way more to Praise God with this time! More than I deserve. Here is a little excerpt of my journal!

Please Almighty Father God, help me through this chemo, finding a new job and accepting myself without my blonde hair. Let me stand in your Presence and know the purpose in Christ at this time. Because I really do not like this at all! Once again and over and over you Lord have shown your Love for me through everyone around me. You have lifted me up. You are showing me I can be me without hair, it doesn’t totally define me. I still can express my anger of having to go through this process. It has also made me more aware that I need to feel at peace and comforted, so that I am ready to go Home when God calls me home!

It is really tough right after my treatment. I feel horrible! I am not able to do what I want or need that day! My food tastes horrible, I don’t even like the taste of water, I feel nauseous and no stamina. I hate looking in the mirror. My soul and spirit is not living in a  body that is healthy and sound. So I tell myself to ACCEPT, ACCEPT, ACCEPT! That it is not going to last forever.

So here is the prayer I wrote to lift me up…Please Lord be with me. Lead me where I should go. Lord give me the strength to do the things I need to do. Hate my hair or no hair. But it is ok! Heal me Lord! Lord remind me who I am in Christ! You have shown me over, over, over, again how Great and Good a God you are. You hold my Life in your Hands. You told me all will be well. You hold my Life together through the Love of family and friends and those I meet along the way. You are in every detail of my Life. You hold on to me even when the muddy water start churning and throwing me about. You make it very clear when I stand on Your promises and who You are. Then the muddy waters start to clear, become calm and answers are given in ways I would never expect! I just Praise You in every way!

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Lament

Psalm 13

I used to go to church with the idea of fixing someone else and not myself! But once I figured out that I can’t fix anyone only God is able to change people through His Grace and His Word. I found that I need to grow in Christ as a disciple of His to change and change my circumstances. I am His work in progress, always. Because of that I am actually His vessel at work in my world! I am His Light to others so He can show them His Love and His gift of Grace through The Cross! So now when I go to church I focus on me not on someone else! How can I be of purpose in God’s Kingdom as I walk my journey. So as I went to church this last Sunday the message was on Rejoicing in Lament by Dr. Jeff Cook.

The last few years I have had many moments of Lamenting! Actually Lamenting is a good thing! Reading God’s Word, I found many times over and over again the people of the Bible were lamenting. Lamenting over their sin, murder, disobedience, following God’s laws, wars, jealousy, injustices, famine, whining, enemies. disease, death and so on! The happenings of this world by humanity! This world is temporary and we are His people with a spirit soul and He breathed life into us to journey here for His purpose. We sure don’t understand what goes about. It makes us hurt, care, be angry, disappointed, love, sad, depressed, discontented, etc. all those emotions and more. Sometimes it definitely is a roller coaster ride. But I know my God is in control. Yes He allows many things to happened that we don’t understand. But we are not God. So my anchor is God and His Promises to me in Christ so I can be of a purpose in this world I live in. Boy there are many times I would just like to cover up my head and lament and say woe is me. And I do but I don’t stay in that place, I look for answers. So I call out to God and pray. I arm myself in His presence and His Word.

I can only change my life! It is the choices and decisions I make in the circumstances of my life that make me who I am today. Long time ago I chose to follow and believe in who Christ is and what He did on the Cross for me. I sure didn’t understand what all that meant! So there have been many a time I have lamented over the choices I have made. The decisions I made. Whining about the life I had. Lamenting over my children as young people the life choices they made. Lamented over the wars I have seen. The people I have hurt some intentionally and some accidentally. How I have talked and treated someone. Lamented over deaths that were horrific. So many events in my life that I was touched by that I wonder where is my God! My God is a Perfect God and He is my Good Father! He equips me for every event in my life! Makes my imperfections and mistakes into something good for His Glory and Honor! For me to share those experiences with others, in order for God to work in their lives!

Just in last 2 year, I have had to let go of my husband who was my life. We had a home together for 20 years. Then I lost my youngest brother to cancer. My Dad in that time period had double by pass heart surgery. So I greet a new year, my Dad healed. I am healing from the pain of losing those to death. These deaths brought new live into relationships. I know where both are living with their Lord and Savior. Still makes it hard but God gives you comforting words. He gives me peace. He prepares me. He sustains me. He gives me knew hopes and dreams. He participates in my life so He guides me and leads me to new place so I can start over. He strengthens me with others. They tell me how much they love me. That they are praying for me and encouraging me.

My family has drawn closer to me. So we celebrate as a family with events to share our love and strengthen our relationships to be there for one another. Even friends we draw closer to one another and find special times with each other. Have sounding boards for decisions. Good things happen even through all the grieve and struggles. So I lament as to what now!What do I do now that I am alone, caring for myself. So God gives me an answer. Move. So I plan. I move. New beginnings, relationships, community, church, work, everything is going to be new to me. Am I ready! I grieve over leaving but it is ok!

I make my plans, I move. It was all by Faith, not as I planned but as God planned! Settled in! It was great, but I sure did have to pray and trust God in everything. He keeps His promises. Then I lamented over being alone. So I looked on line. Oh my goodness, what an experience that was. I thought every thing was lining up then evil lifted its head and I learned a lesson that I need to trust God for a new partner. He knows my heart so when God thinks I am ready for a partner He will let that person enter into my life in His time not mine. He told me to keep my focus on Him. He has taught me as a good father to be wise and steady in His plan for me.

Renting my home out was a big challenge in the logistics of moving. That failed 2 times. The first time was in the dead of winter! I am living now 8 hours away. Plus my hours were cut back, I have no money. Plus my roommate needed me to find a new place to live and I was having health troubles. And I was looking for a better job. I had fabulous prayer warriors. Things straightened out within a month. I couldn’t of done it on my own. God put everything and everyone in place at the right time. Remember God leads and guides as He speaks through events and people. He works through us. So I have new renters who clean up the mess made by the last. I found a place through a friend. God knew it would be perfect for me and my puppies. He found opened up a job for me. He really had to shout to me “get an application”. If I wouldn’t of listened….anyway I listened. But before the summer was out my renters had to leave for financial reasons. Quick trip back home, signed with my realtor friend to sell my property. It sold within a week, so paid all my debts.

God is always in the details. But He works through His people. Trust and obey. Listen and be full of Faith that which He has given you. Time to get my health check up. Not only a falling bladder but uterine cancer. Oh my goodness didn’t want to hear that word again in my life. The doctor said all will be fine just need a hysterectomy. Not… go back for my post op check up, I have second state cervical cancer! I started crying! I couldn’t talk. My daughter was there. I was so thankful that our relationship was healing that she could be there with me. I heard the chemo word again and radiation! It was horrifying! Had to have a petscan to see if it had spread anywhere else. I was thinking was this my time. Was this the end of my journey? I lamented. Woe is me. I am not ready to see your Glory. Then I ask myself “Why not”? Shouldn’t I be rejoicing!! My God knows me so well! He has assured me His Will will be done and in His time, I just have to trust in Him. He keeps His promises if I live or die. I just need to be His Light and His servant as I walk on His creation. I need to live in His abundant life and not measure it by years. I need to repent and to turn to God in all things and events in my life. I am here to share my story everyday. God uses my life to change other peoples lives. When He says to Pray..pray unceasingly. When he says surrender your all.. surrender. When He says to draw close to Him He will reveal Himself to you. Get to know your God through His Son Jesus Christ and let His Spirit live in you. So when your certainty is challenged go to Him and lament. He will answer and be there, He will never leave you.  He so wants to empower you with purpose and a plan for your life and it will be abundant!  He doesn’t always remove the mountains as we plan because He Knows all. He will give you all you need and more plus bring you to a place of rejoicing and rest.  He works in our strengths and weaknesses. He goes before us. He prepares us! He keeps all His promises. This world is not perfect but He is. Lean on His understanding. Sometimes the plan isn’t clear and we have to Trust and Obey. He fits us up like soldiers to do battle. He will never let you go. Read His Word and Pray. He carries us through with our loved ones about us. If my journey is up, death will be my victory because I will be home forever. I will have Joy! Everlasting!

Lauren Daigle is a new singer artist. The song O’Lord reveals so much truth.

 

Though times it seems
Like I’m coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
Oh, O’Lord O’Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right
Whoa
Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found