So many God happenings and life happenings in the last few months. What has it revealed about myself, relationships with family and friends. Endings and new beginnings. I just my God holds me every moment through His Son Jesus who is my life line to have Love, Hope, Joy and Faith to keep going on. It has been quite revealing on how I deal with every situation that has come up. What types of choices I make that will give me a sense of purpose. Where is He leading and guiding me! I know He prepares me for everything. But am I willing to do some of the foot work to accomplish the life He wants me to have. It seems I only have so much to give and am struggling to have a passion that keeps me moving in the direction He wants me to go.
There are some days that are just empty of fulfillment. But yet I am grateful for the day. My treatments are done. They were done the first of February. I was low in iron and platelets. I just had no energy or stamina to accomplish anything. So I did finally get a blood transfusion. That helped a lot. I felt some depression coming on so I did decide to schedule my days with flexible everyday activities. This helped a lot instead of just floating and drifting along. When I worked and took care of my husband or family, I felt I was doing God’s work. What He purposed me for at the time. Having other activities within my community encouraged me to build relationships and care for others. It kept me in touch with others and not be about only me. These days that is all I have is me and my dogs.
Nothing seemed to interest me. The weather was horrible. I felt sick most of the winter. What I looked forward to was going to church and touching bases with friends when I could. I also hunted for work. I kept myself in God’s Word and Prayers but not as often as I should. Now that it is Spring, I can get out and about, plan more things to do. I finally was able to go back to a Bible Study, take a trip to Montana and more foot work on nabbing a job just fit for me.
In the last few weeks relationships have been a struggle. Sharing thoughts and feelings with family have been encouraging and discouraging. Some have made me doubt my Faith which should never been and issue. Others telling me if I planned my life better… OMG really. I know that I can plan so much of my life but life happens. There are the unexpected events or even the wrong choice. But I am very careful with my choices. I truly pray for God to lead and guide. He gives me the knowledge and the Faith to do the things I need to do. He always prepares and makes me able to know that all will be well. I know that I am in His will so His Will will be done no matter what I choose. His dreams for me are the dreams I have for myself. These Happenings are His. I will just keep going forward. I won’t beat myself or have anyone else beat me up for the choices I make. I realize that He does put people in my life to direct me or encourage me. Yes and be realistic. I know God has the right job for me and it will come. Or He may even want me to leave here. If He does He will tell me and I will know for sure. Just like moving from Montana to Oregon, I had peace all would be well even though there were bumps in the road. Trusting in Him is all I can do. He will give me purpose at the right time and place.
I still have some of the effects of my chemo. My feet have neuropathy in them. So bother me a bit especially standing in one place. My hair is coming back very slowly. I still have some glitches with my thought processes, plus writing ability. I can’t learn to multitask as easily as I once did. I did find work in an office. My boss who was a friend and a friend in Christ just felt that I wasn’t able to function in the office setting that I need to be more in the public serving others. I was too isolated. It was a good learning setting for me and her. I wasn’t able then to get my hours back at the mini mart because I took this job. They are calling me though to fill in.
I finally started to go in the direction of my mission to sing publicly at facilities for the elderly and disabled. So I started vocal lessons. I felt that was a good start to develop my voice and get some support. I looked into how to set up this mission with electronic devices. So have a few options. It will help me to explore how I can build my songs and music to accomplish this mission. I told my Dad about it and he just laughed and said, “Oh you want to be entertainer”! Really hurt my feelings. He is not my best supporter.
I am back to ushering and also signed up to help with worship service. It will give me confidence and teach me more about singing publicly. I will have a group of supporters in that area. They will teach me and correct me in a loving way. So I am excited about that. I just feel I am in the right place that I need to be patient with myself.
Then the next happening was my Dad who has been sick since the first of the year was put into the hospital. His doctor has been having him have many tests. Well Friday the day I left for my trip to Montana he was sent into the hospital. He had a transfusions of blood and a cat scan. So when I returned home I went to the hospital. He was sitting up in a chair with Mom next to him and asked him how he was. He answered “well I am still here”. I said ‘that is good because we would miss you”! Mom said it wasn’t good. So I asked Dad what was going on. He said that he had prostate cancer that went to the bone. I said, “I love you Dad” and patted his hand. He said he loved me also. Because before I left there was an angry explosion of feelings towards me. So I did write and told them how I felt. These two are not much on sharing feelings. I have had a hard time sharing my feelings with them. I am sure that they didn’t understand how I felt and my Dad will never apologize. But that is how he is. I just Love him for who he is but will share how I feel whether by letters or words spoken.
My trip to Montana for Easter was good! All of my visits were short but good. It was great to hug and share stories. I didn’t get to see everyone. I even got to see my granddaughters in Great Falls. My brother’s daughter and her children were at his home for the Easter dinner. I celebrated with my friends on Easter Sunday. Truly wonderful. My God validates me and Loves me through all these people. I had lunch with my best friend. Who has been there for me through all these years. Have new memories that will never be forgotten. God has Blessed with many friends. They have been an inspiration to me. Have made my life so beautiful. The friends and family I have in Montana have truly been there for me. They are the people the Lord has surrounded me with to make my life complete. Who have nourished me. They have touched my life and I hope I have touched theirs. My family and friends here in Oregon have been the same to me. I am able to be close by and to reconnect with them. God knows what pleases me and He shows it to me everyday even though there are life happenings all around me that complicate my life, confuse me, make me sad and overwhelmed at times. He is always there to show me the way. Whether I cry out to Him, Rejoice in Him or am angry with people and events, He is there with His Words to give me strength and courage. The Love and patience to keep on going.
1 Peter 1: 1-9
…”What a passage this is- “8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”