So I have had some glum days because of my health, not working and the weather. I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer and grade 3! This was after surgery in September. Total shock because the out come after the total hysterectomy, was supposed to be cleared and go back to work. Now the treatment is to be 6 chemo treatments every 3 weeks. So will not be working my part-time job because the company hired others to take over my hours. So I ended at the bottom of the totem pole. So I have worked maybe 5 days since October. Thankfully I filed for unemployment, even though I’m not laid off just my hours are cut, an understatement!! Thankfully again my property sold so I could pay off debts and have minimum payments which my unemployment covers. Then with my treatments I am sick for 5 or so days depending on the effects of the treatments. Then here comes the snow which is unusual for this area. Snow has been on the ground for more than 40 days. This part of the state of Oregon does sand their roads but not like Montana. So it has been hard to get around! I am not a person who likes to be trapped inside plus not being able to feel good at times.
January 18, 2017 in my journal I write.
I haven’t been here in a while (my journal). I have been in a place these last 16 weeks where I have no ambition or energy to start or complete anything. Though I have been on top of trying to find work. So have learned how to write better resumes and send them off. Then in a couple of days I get a formed letter stating I am not in the running as a candidate. I started a prayer shawl for a friend, haven’t even finished it but have a good start on it these last few days. I am just not motivated to do anything. It is so easy to turn on the T.V.. But even that is not what I want to do. Haven’t finished any good books. I get behind on many things. Then there are days which I can get away and enjoy the day. I feel guilty because I haven’t done some things which I will regret because when I get back to work, I won’t have the time. When I want to be out and about the weather, my health or my outlook holds me back.
I don’t want these walls to be my prison, I want my home to be my sanctuary from the world. My home is my castle where I seek to bind my wounds, my comfort zone, a welcoming place for friends and family. It needs to be a place of refuge, peace, recuperation, privacy and place that takes cares of my needs. Not a place where I am trapped by my circumstances at this time. 18 weeks is a long time to waste! I call it Limbo! Hanging out until the circumstances I am in have no power over me anymore. Limbo is a place where I am powerless. I can’t seem to move forward with plans! I can plan all I want but if my health, weather, and people get in the way, the plans are gone until another day. I have had to hang on to my Faith through this time or I would be an old sour puss! I know He has taken care of me and provided in so many ways! I am so Thankful. He doesn’t get upset with me when I complain, thank goodness! He is leading and guiding me and showing me who I am in this difficult, challenging time in my life. Even though I feel like I am treading water, there are little and big “God Happenings” in every detail of my life. I need to believe in this time and purpose in my life. My God is preparing me for the times ahead. I may not always feel the journey is moving on but sometimes God gives you those just to lean on Him. A girlfriend told me the other day that one doesn’t have to wait for a personal relationship with Jesus! It happens each day moment to moment. I get to lean on Him! I don’t need to know the beginning to the end but everything in between I can be with Him.
I have hope that after my last treatment that I will be ready for the new beginnings of my life. My dreams are to have a good paying job that incorporates all the skills, and personality I have! I have a dream to sing and share my story with others. I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want to be able to go camping and explore my world and new places. It is going to be so AWESOME. I don’t have to plan each detail out! I just have to follow my heart because my heart reveals to me what God has planned for me! He has given me my purpose. That my fruitfulness will be touching lives and sharing my faith in what God has done for me so that others will have that experience! That they don’t have to wait to go to heaven, He will give them their personal touch in this life also.
Poignant phrase from Genesis 2:7 GOD MADE MAN A MIXTURE OF DUST AND DEITY!
Yes we wrestle with walking with Him or our own fleshly desires! I can walk in the Deity of God or I can choose to walk in my Dust that can be blown around with the wind. I would not have any foundation, nothing to stand on! But I choose to stand on the promises of His Word! Yes it is hard at times because of the circumstances of my live. Faith is looking up out of the circumstances I am powerless over and know God is in control and holding on to me.