The couple of months have been quite not what I expected. My certainty has been challenged for sure. Do I like it “NO”! I was hoping to have some money in savings and be able to visit my son in Hawaii. Wow the best laid plans!! At least my outcome with this cancer discovery has not gone anywhere else but you never know. So the treatments are to kill what we can’t see with all our technology but research says the treatments are very good. This is my second bout with cancer. I had colorectal cancer in 2004 and my late husband was my main support. My family and I were estranged! So they didn’t come around much. But I knew they were rallying for me!
Alone now my children and family have stepped up to the plate. A few obstacles needed to be tackled because my job hours have been cut back. Didn’t expect! So now I have to look for work even though I am not laid off. God always seems to give me challenges. He knows how much I don’t like this part! It takes me out of my comfort zone. It keeps me from doing things I want to do or just have fun!
Another obstacle is being able to pay the bills. So I have had to put out a notice that I need money to get me through. My parents are more than willing but I hate asking so it is very humbling to have to ask for help financially. Thankfully I had insurance plus was able to qualify for financial assistance. Very grateful there is no medical indebtedness. Plus I qualified for unemployment so that has been a relief also. But I want to be financially solvent not ask for help!! I want to be able to help others. So hopefully by the first of the year I will have a job that fits into my treatment schedule and after, so I am able to start saving some monies. My Hawaii trip is canceled anyway because my son is coming home the first of the year. Dang!
My life looked pretty bare just like the fall turning into winter. God is so gracious and loving to me that He has filled my life with family and good friends. And my relationships are my strength through their ever-loving prayers and encouraging prayers. My daughter has been a huge support and has made sacrifices by being here when I need her. She has helped with paper work and sifting through all the details so everything is covered. My young men have offered to come and stay with me. What a joy to be offered their help. My middle will be able to come this next time with his girlfriend. Another friend lined up some meals. Another friend is going to drive me to and from my appointment for my 3rd treatment. So I have to look for the good side of this part of the journey. The time has drawn my family closer together. There has been so much healing in our family since the last time. It truly is AWESOME!!
I have much to complain about and I do but way more to Praise God with this time! More than I deserve. Here is a little excerpt of my journal!
Please Almighty Father God, help me through this chemo, finding a new job and accepting myself without my blonde hair. Let me stand in your Presence and know the purpose in Christ at this time. Because I really do not like this at all! Once again and over and over you Lord have shown your Love for me through everyone around me. You have lifted me up. You are showing me I can be me without hair, it doesn’t totally define me. I still can express my anger of having to go through this process. It has also made me more aware that I need to feel at peace and comforted, so that I am ready to go Home when God calls me home!
It is really tough right after my treatment. I feel horrible! I am not able to do what I want or need that day! My food tastes horrible, I don’t even like the taste of water, I feel nauseous and no stamina. I hate looking in the mirror. My soul and spirit is not living in a body that is healthy and sound. So I tell myself to ACCEPT, ACCEPT, ACCEPT! That it is not going to last forever.
So here is the prayer I wrote to lift me up…Please Lord be with me. Lead me where I should go. Lord give me the strength to do the things I need to do. Hate my hair or no hair. But it is ok! Heal me Lord! Lord remind me who I am in Christ! You have shown me over, over, over, again how Great and Good a God you are. You hold my Life in your Hands. You told me all will be well. You hold my Life together through the Love of family and friends and those I meet along the way. You are in every detail of my Life. You hold on to me even when the muddy water start churning and throwing me about. You make it very clear when I stand on Your promises and who You are. Then the muddy waters start to clear, become calm and answers are given in ways I would never expect! I just Praise You in every way!