Who hasn’t been Alone?? Whether we have been Alone in our families, with our classmates, with a group of friends or even with our forever partners! My Aloneness in my senior years, has come by the letting go and the loss of my forever partner since 2012! Truly the hardest decision I ever made. I have had many in my life! Never would I have thought I could leave the Love of my Life! But I was allowing myself to become so absorbed in my husband’s illnesses and moods that I wasn’t myself to be a partner that was compassionate or supportive! I felt trapped and angry which was making our home toxic. Finally I started to make choices and decisions that were good for me so I could be mentally and spiritually be healthy! I was hoping the changes I was making, would have a positive effect on him. I had to be willing to change and detach with love through prayers, good support from friends and family to start my journey that would bring about change that would be good for both of us! Alanon with the Serenity Prayer was in use again! Holding onto my Faith and leaning on God’s word to keep me focused and to allow God to help me with every choice and decision I had to make. Help me to change my attitude that would create hope! This change would hopefully bring us together with a wholeness to our marriage. We could keep the promises we made to each other!
It took a couple of years to come out of my hopelessness to start the courage to change! Options were laid out, power of prayer, and faith were all my weapons to fight for our marriage! Sometimes when we are on the “road of change” to be of a purpose, at peace and hopeful, it seems the person we love is not doing his part to come out of the darkness! The person isn’t making choices or decisions to go forward and be a part of the solution! They can’t see a better life even though you are doing your part and not being part of the problem! The program does say to detach with Love! So now I had to pray through maybe leaving him! That meant leaving the person I love so very much, to leave my home, to not keep my promises I made! It would mean leaving all my dreams, my hopes, my home to let go of my husband so God could work on him! I didn’t want to leave him but I felt I was enabling him not to change! That I was in the way of God. I was giving him an excuse to stay in the darkness and see no other way out. I couldn’t see how I could live on my own! It was a feeling of “stepping off a crumbling path into a void” with nowhere to go!
As I wrote in my journal “So I stepped out in Faith, out-of-the-way of God to see if God could make him listen to reason!” So with a very good friend, I did step off that path and into the void. But I gave my husband a choice to seek help mentally, physically and spiritually or I would leave. I don’t think he thought I would do it because he didn’t move in either direction. So that day came when I had to make my move, thankfully a friend of mine was there at the right time and place. God is always there, putting the details in order for us to change and go forward in the right direction. She helped me find a place to live! As I look back, I can see His hands in every decision I made. He kept me on His foundation so I could live, be at peace knowing I was doing the right thing. I was still supportive of my husband and eventually after a year he did start to see he needed help especially to have hope. That there was a chance to have a better life. He finally saw he needed to see a doctor who would give him a chance at a better life and not feel so hopeless, powerless and helpless. I can’t imagine what he went through but I know the drugs he was on held him hostage. He was so scared! But if I hadn’t moved out-of-the-way he might not of moved in the direction God wanted him to go. He had so many mountains to climb some days, he did well and other days were bad. I feel the drugs and depression kept him from making the choices he wanted to make. So his fears kept him captive. For my husband, he started to change and I thought at Christmas of 2013, he turned a corner but he lost his way again when he went to a nursing home for an infection in his foot. Then the spiral began! He didn’t want my help anymore. His faith couldn’t see how it could be possible for him to live like this anymore. Life was, as he saw it, would be better for me and his loved ones to take his own life! I remember him telling me as he was working the 12 step program in our early relationship and marriage about people he had known that couldn’t see themselves as living in sobriety or living with the addictive behavior! It seemed he couldn’t keep on track! I was hopeful for him and our marriage! Thankfully I had told him I loved him so much. That I would be back if he could keep on the path God had given him! Making good decisions for himself! During those years many events happened but my husband’s depression, health and hopelessness gave way to taking his own life! Never did I think he would do this.
Now I was really living alone! I could see God working in my life! I could see God working in my husband’s life also. There was so many answered prayers and “God Happenings”! Even in the smallest detail God had made happen some huge changes for my well-being, to my family and my friends! So I knew God’s Spirit was working! But you only can do what you can do! The power of prayer carried me through. I have learned that I am powerless of people, places ,things, events! God is in control not me! He did have a good 15 years of sobriety with the 12 step program and his faith and with our love. But the addictive meds he was taken was taking a toll on him and he saw no way out! The medical field didn’t help him at all. They wanted him to quit cold turkey after 15 years of being on addictive pain medicines that they prescribed. So angry about that! So now I am Alone, really Alone! But the solace is my husband is resting with his Lord at peace and with joy!
I had never been on my own without living with my family, with friends, within a marriage! I was Alone! I had no one to take care of me or love me. I never expected to be on my own; Alone after all those years of being with my partner! God is amazing though, He filled my every need and want! He showed me who I really was on my own with Him beside me all the way! He prepared me in so many ways. I loved getting to know myself! I loved doing my own thing! Only counting on God for everything to fill me up and being the person He wanted me to be. He Blessed me with so many supportive family members and friends! He gave me peace in my decisions! He was and is in all the details, I just had to step out in Faith! He carried me through it all! It was so tough and disheartening at times! Some days I just wanted to cry all day! This wasn’t my dream! I lost my Love of my Life and my home! What purpose do I have now! Again God has stripped me of who I was, it seemed! But I am still here! I can’t change people or fix them! I am not to blame for their decisions! If I didn’t have God, I would never have forgiven myself, I would be in despair and discontent! I have learned, I am powerless in many occasions and events in my Life! I can only make decisions and choices that are good for me and my relationship with my God! The life He has for me is abundant even when unexpected things happen and our world as we know it falls apart!
It has been 6 years since that decision to change and to step out in Faith! I was hoping each step I took in Faith there would be hope that my husband and I would get back to our marriage and the promises we made to each other! But I know he is at peace and is home with God! I went through many stages of sadness, numbness, limbo, joy, praising God, anger, loneliness, grieving, all of it! It was a roller coaster ride for sure! One song that stands out is He Raised Me Up by Josh Groban! When I am feeling hopeless or “woe is me”, I can always count on Him to take my burdens and I become very thankful! Always counting my Blessings! I know He is getting me through this old world, for it is a journey that can give Him glory and honor by who I am in Christ! I can be a light for another lost soul or lift up someone who needs Him to show them His ways!
There was a day I was walking my dogs! It was a path that was laden with fall leaves with bows of golden leaves after a rain. I started crying! I miss him so much! I miss his companionship, his kisses, our talks and so much more that we had together! I tell God I am not Alone with Him but I really would like a partner to share my life with again! Whether God answers that prayer, will be His way and not mine! He knows my heart and what is best for me. I know me and I will keep looking. By Faith I will see what His Will will be! This season of my life gave me courage and strength, to lean on my family and friends whom God put into my life to tell me how much He Loves me! By the Grace of God go I!
Psalm 37: 3 & 4
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
”Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.” Maya Angelou (b. 1928), U.S. author. Gather Together in My Name, vol. 2, ch. 6 (1974).